One day I was thinking to myself about losing some weight so that I could look better in clothes and then I had to pause right there. I felt bad for thinking something like that, not because I'm against it but because I've wanted to be a role model to those who are built like me since I never found someone like me when I was growing up and had to learn by myself to accept me as I am. Not only that, I want to support health and confidence to all body types.

I went to a couple of my friends to discuss this because I felt unsettled with it due to the fact that I'm still uncomfortable with my own body regardless of my weight loss of two dress sizes. In the end after a few words, I came to the realization that I'm not allowing myself to be happy with my body because I feel guilty for wanting something for myself.

I'm still not thinking for myself like I thought I was. I'm still being influenced and brainwashed by one side of the spectrum. On one side of the spectrum, I used to think I had to be tall and skinny to be beautiful. To me that was hopeless because I'm short as hell and I've never been very skinny before. Then there was the other side where you should love yourself and be confident regardless of your size because no matter what you're beautiful! I loved it and agreed with that so much.. that I actually felt bad when I wanted to lose more weight...

I'm still not thinking for myself.
I'm still letting someone else's ideals think for me.
I had to reevaluate myself. I had to listen to my thoughts, my insecurities, my needs and wants.

My thoughts tell me that I'm confident, beautiful, I look good in my clothes, but that I'm still unhappy with the way my body looks. I've accepted that I won't be tall (that's what heels are for ;D) and that I won't have an hourglass figure because that's not my natural body type. Unless I start corseting but that's not for me. But ultimately, I'm happy with myself except for the current state of my body.

So if I'm unhappy, I should do something about it! I shouldn't guilt trip myself for wanting that. It doesn't mean I'm trying to follow someone else's ideals. I'm following my own. I'm not trying to be anyone else, I'm not trying to look like something I can't be, I just want a fitter version of me! And it's okay to be selfish in that sense. It's for no one else's pleasure but my own. It's been holding me back and I want to confront it!

The difference is that I'm already confident and I like the way I'm built together so losing weight isn't a solution to become beautiful. A part of the issue was that I was unable to differentiate that. I felt like I was changing myself for someone else's ideals, when in reality I was holding myself back from doing me. 

Listen to your thoughts and your insecurities and what you really need versus what you want. Before I gained good self-esteem I wanted to be skinny because I thought it would make me instantly beautiful. However, losing weight wasn't my solution. I didn't like my features, my figure, my skin, or my height. Losing weight wouldn't change these things very much. I wasn't going to turn into another person. I am me no matter what I do. I had to learn what I needed, which was to learn to love myself. Without that, I'd continue to be miserable.

I had to force myself to pick things I could like about myself, and that alone was hard. After that, I learned to accept myself as I am completely because I can't be anyone else. I'm not an imitation. I am me and I had to be proud of that. I had to stop comparing myself to other people and just have fun and be happy with myself and interests. There's more to life than looks and insecurities, and that shouldn't hold you back from accomplishing things or from your happiness (because it definitely did with me).

Now that I've got what I needed, it's okay to work on what I want for myself. It's okay to be a little selfish for yourself :] It's my body and my life. I want as much joy from it as I can.

I also learned that asking for help and support isn't a bad thing either. It doesn't make you weak. It helps strengthen you and gives you motivation. For awhile, I thought I was being weak for being unable to accept myself as I am right now, but really, I was just unhappy. That isn't weakness. Asking for help is just another step to take sometimes.

Like I said earlier, I want to support health and confidence to all body types. Think for yourself, act on your health physically and mentally, and if there's anything that's holding you back from loving yourself, confront it and figure out why it's holding you back and what you can do about it!

If you ever need friendly input, I'm always open to chat! ♥