Say hello to 13-year-old me!
(And in the second picture is my ex :OOOO)
Since I was 10 or so, I didn't have much confidence or self worth. I never wanted to believe that at about that age kids start to go through this angry "angsty" faze but I definitely did, and I was miserable. I'm glad I got out of it but it could of been worse, especially if I didn't have my friends, my faith, or my sister.
Things took a wonderful turn when I entered high school :D
When I met Norris (my husband now), I still looked like I did in the pictures above. I don't know what he liked about me, but he just thought I was awesome. Looks, personality, and beliefs. I also had a lot of issues emotionally and mentally, and for whatever reason, he just stuck around. He sincerely wanted to help me. He was always there for me as much as he could be at our age then.
I still don't understand to this day why he stayed with me, or why he's still with me, but his love has only grown more and more over the years we've been together.
With his help, I've been able to grow and develop into the person I am now. He's been a huge part of my motivation to better myself mentally, physically, and emotionally. I thank God every day for putting him in my life ♥
As much as I love him, this post isn't about us and our past! xD
This post is about the development of my image throughout the years.
After I got together with Norris, I cut my hair a few months later and that's when I started experimenting with my hair. Before then, my hair was down to my lower back with blonde tips. You could say it looked like the current hair trend with the dip dyes, haha. I was trending early before I knew it xDDD
This is generally how I looked through out high school. No real definition of style. I just wore what I wanted and did whatever I wanted with my hair. My belief back then was it didn't matter what anyone else thought of me. Young or old. I was in my youth and I could wear anything I want that makes me happy and look however I want because I can. What mistakes can there be? Embarrassment in the future? At least I was happy and I had fun.
I didn't let anyone get in the way of my happiness (style wise). To me, it was a waste of energy to feel embarrassed or unsure of how I looked. If I liked it, I liked it. I was in my own little world, I had good friends, I had good grades (except for math Dx), and I just went with the flow of high school.
I even cut my own hair and dyed my own hair. Reconstructed some clothes myself too. I was very open with expressing myself through my looks. I don't think it was executed very well looking back though, hahah xD But I really wouldn't take any of it back. I enjoy looking at these pictures and remember that I had no real turmoil in my life.
I also didn't really think about my weight much either. I did want to lose weight but I was too preoccupied with high school stuff to really think about it. Though you can see in the top left picture I was a small chubbers. The pictures where I'm kind of smaller is towards the end of high school in my Senior year.
In Senior year and after I graduated, my style became more defined. I also cut my hair short again. At the end of high school my hair was down to my mid back and then I think a few days after I graduated or something, I chopped it all off. That later introduced me to dying my hair completely, which I hadn't done yet. I think I was a little scared of what it would do to my hair if I bleached it all. My first hair colors were actually green, yellow, and pink all together :3 I was like a watermelon. It was a huge change so I was a little insecure but I got over it quickly and started jumping to new colors.
The first set of extensions I ever wore were actually only two pieces for each side of my hair. The pictures with dark blue hair and green/yellow ends. After that I went through the rainbow, literally, until I decided that I wanted to try a more mature look. I had done this crazy colorful look for so many years, I wanted to try something different and I felt that I had to start look more "age appropriate". I was going through another weird phase, a "growing up" phase.
This is actually when I started gaining more weight . ___.''
I ate, A LOT. I had dinner almost every night for two or even three people. Le sigh.
It was so GOOD though ; ____; FOOOOOOOD.
Anywho, this was also the time when Norris and I set an actual date to get married! We were engaged since April 1st '07 and our wedding was in April 1st '10. Thus April Fool Romance for those of you who didn't know. He also asked me out on April Fools day in '04 :]
But yeah, since we were getting ready for the wedding and such, I decided to go quite traditional. Which is honestly strange cause of how I presented myself for so many years. People would of thought I'd have bright pink hair or something. But no, since we didn't have a wedding planner and I didn't really know how weddings went, I just went straight up traditional just to make things easier.
I quite enjoyed having long black hair again too. It did make me feel more mature and it made me look more asian xD I did want to lose weight before the wedding but I turned out gaining weight instead because I chose food over looks . ____. LOL
It's a good before and after now xD
I actually went back to that tailor recently because my sister's getting married soon :3 And he didn't even recognize me. She was like, "Are you Filipino?" I looked at her strange because she forgot about me, "Uh, you did my dress 0 .o'" LOL She was all, "Oh my gosh!" When she realized xD "You're beautiful! You lost weight!"
I was quite miserable about my weight back then. I had days where I was confident, then there were days that were just awful. Most of the time it was a mental battle and the realization that I wasn't treating my body right. Also, my environment was causing stress. So anything that made me any bit happy, I was all in it. Not the best way to go all the time, but I was really cornered back then.
Norris made sure to make me feel beautiful though. He's so lovely ♥
It really didn't matter to him how much weight I gained or lost, he always thought I was gorgeous.
Oh, and he picked out my dress by the way :3 We do everything together ♥
Anywho, other than my hair, my style was more mature and "natural" as well. It wasn't as bright or as layered. I think I felt like I wanted people to look at me more like an adult rather than a 16-year-old. Which people still think I am sometimes Dx'
I think I had about a year of this style just to maintain myself till the wedding.
Just a short month after the wedding, maybe even less, I went to a salon and cut my hair really short. I think I cut my hair really short when there's a new chapter in my life or something. Seems to look it.
It was all natural black hair. Something I hadn't seen in a long time. I kept my hair black for a year or something, which is cuhrazy. I haven't kept my hair one color since middle school. And of course, I had to do something I hadn't done before which was silver hair! :D I really liked it but it was tough to keep up so I went back to natural colors pretty quickly.
You can also see in the second silver haired picture, that's probably the chubbiest I've ever looked in my pictures . ____. That belt was pretty fitted even for a waist belt but now it's comfortable :3
You can see a gradual weight loss through these pictures. I think I'm at my smallest now or at least back to the smallest I was before. I really can't tell though. Unfortunately, when I look in the mirror, I can't tell if what I'm seeing is real or not. So I don't know if I'm bigger or smaller. I've had quite a mental battle with my body that I'm still trying to figure out though I'm working on being healthy firstly.
Anyways, after going back to natural, I couldn't handle it and wanted to come back with the bright colors. I felt boring and I felt bored too. I always wanted to do all pink hair, so I did that for my birthday in 2010 :D I kept that hair for 6 months! Which is still a record for me for unnatural colored hair. After that, I went orange for only a month or two, which quickly turned to green. I really loved the green hair.
When I started dying my hair again, I actually started getting into gyaru fashion so my outfits were more structured. After my interests toned down, I wanted to go back doing my own thing instead of being influenced by a trend. I mean, I still look trendy but I really just choose what I want to buy and wear now. So it's a little bit of both.
The only thing that backfired with following a gyaru fashion was the pressure. My only inspiration were japanese models which are very, very skinny and tiny and I felt like I wasn't able to look like them otherwise. They were pretty much perfection to me. Face, body, style. I was so consumed at one point that all I could think about was losing weight, getting a nose job, and what piece of clothing to get next.
Once again, I was back and forth with my confidence. Some days were awesome, some days I just looked disgusting to myself. Fat here, fat there. Even though fat isn't the enemy, but when your motivation is a tiny japanese model, imperfection is easy to point out on yourself :\
I gradually left that mentality, quite recently too. Only for the past few months have I been able to release myself from the desire of wanting to be "perfect". This is my body, this is my face. I dictate what I do with it, but there's more to life than looks. I am in my youth and I want to enjoy it's benefits, but I want to enjoy all aspects. I want to be able to enjoy the foods I want, wear what I want with confidence (not by how tiny my waist should be), and love myself as I am. I can only change so much of me, but I don't want to do it at the cost of my happiness and health.
With my struggle with weight, I've had to remind myself that it's not my job to be skinny. For some people, five pounds can cost them their job or not being toned enough or strong enough. I'm glad that's not my job because that would stress me out too much. My only jobs are to be a good wife and work hard at what I do. Looks is just something for me and me alone. If I want to lose weight, I have to really work hard at it and not just complain or look at healthy food.
That is one of the things I've learned as I grew up too. Happiness and health should always be on top of my list of priorities. If I'm not happy, I'm not healthy. If I'm not healthy, I'm not happy. They're hand in hand to me and probably for most people. When you're not healthy, your body doesn't give you it's best. When you're not happy, you can treat your body rather poorly.
Okay, so let's look at the difference from when I was 13 and what I look like now at 22!
Ta-da! I love looking at before and afters. It reminds me of what I had to go through. Perhaps another time I'll go in depth with my emotional and mental struggles so others can understand more of why my changes mean so much to me.
One of the reasons why I like to share this part of my past is to expose some realities as well.
- You don't need to be flawless, skinny, curvy, fashion forward, or anything you think is "perfection" in order for someone to find you attractive, amazing, and worthwhile. Look at me when I was 13! :D LOL.
- Love and compassion is for everyone. Not just for those who are "mentally stable". I mean, who is all the time anyways?
- Being yourself is the best way to go.
- Even if someone may look pretty or put together, they're human too and they have their own battles that you may not understand.
- We all have different capacities of progression, understanding, patience, strength, and willingness.
- Just because you think someone may look "nerdy" or "worthless" doesn't mean they are or will be in the future.
- Everyone has a past, everyone has a story. People are bitter, happy, sad, angry, etc. for a reason.
- Change can happen for anyone.
I hope this was an entertaining post for the readers of my blog!
Thank you so much for everyone that follows and takes time to read and comment ♥