You know, sometimes I have to be bold and brave when I post pictures of my body. Even though I smile in pictures and I'm mostly able to confidently pose for outfit shots, inside I'm still quite insecure. While it's a choice to post picture of myself when I could just post product pictures, I feel that reviews are more thorough when it's seen in use. It's helpful and can be encouraging for those with similar body types, heights, and skin types/tones. That's what I try to do, offer myself as an example for those like me or have similar interests as me. Though doing this takes a lot of energy and time.
Every day I'm in constant battle with myself, loving me and hating me. I recently read some text posts I made about three or more years ago and I was astonished of how little progress I made mentally. They were words of tiring hatred towards myself and questions of when will it end and if I would ever truly learn how to love myself. To this day, I'm still like this. Some days I'm nearly at tears from how frustrated I am of how little I can like myself.
I can say that at the very least I do like myself enough to keep trying, to better myself. I can say this because I love people and if I can love others, I can love myself. That's my hope, as many of us struggle with accepting ourselves while facing our insecurities and fears.
I guess I wanted to get this out because this has been progressingly getting worse, on and off, but stronger and stronger for the past few months. Aside low self esteem, there are other issues I deal with that don't help. As a private person, I don't normally speak of myself or my life personally but I've never hidden the fact that I have an eating disorder, body dysmorphia, depression, and anxiety. This is still my blog after all and I like being honest about myself with all of you. I enjoy what I share with you but at times I also like to share parts of me like this because it's a reminder that not everything looks calm on the surface. Most people are like that, of course.
Venting and admittance has that weird relief, but it's scary sometimes. You let yourself be vulnerable, open to opinion and judgment, and depending on who you open up to, your trust could be enforced or shattered. My thoughts alone give me enough stress, I'm already a hard judge on myself, and I think I'm a bother to most people and that my problems aren't big enough to address. Still, I'm posting this because I know someone else is struggling too. Getting worse or still in the middle of a dark time. We're both holding on together though.
You really can never tell what's going on in someone's mind or what kind of life someone is living by looking at them. Emotions are fleeting, expressing a reaction of that moment or period of time. The chemicals in our body can affect our moods and sleeping patterns. Stress can make you gain or lose weight, lose hair, dull skin, cause digestion problems. Every element of life can build and chip away at us. Our health can be affected just by sour feelings of sadness and anxiety. Hm.
I don't know where I'll end up regarding my relationship with myself, but I'm still here and I'm still fighting and that's what important but it truly is difficult to do when you feel like you don't matter. However, if I think other people's struggles are important, I have to think the same of me.
I don't know what my pace will be like on this blog but I'm hoping I'll post a bit more regularly soon. And as usual, I'm always open to talking if anyone needs someone who won't judge them and will be patient with them. I can't guarantee I'll always be there as I can be preoccupied with my life's ongoings but I definitely try when I can.